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Open Book

May 26, 2015 Shahillab 0Comment

So, this is me…

…on first impressions people usually see me as a confident and positive person and they are right; I am confident because I am happy with whom I am and I thrive to be positive, always. Those who attend my training or are coached by me have described me as inspirational and interesting, that’s really nice to hear and I feel blessed to know that I am inspiring others by being myself…an ultimate compliment in my opinion.

There is so much in each of us…

…that others don’t see or know of. I am quite a private person to some extent and selective so today I am going to change that and be an open book and share some things with you only a few people know about me. I’ll start with the diagram below, click on the picture to read the content of the boxes:

For Blog 11 Open Book larger

The Other Stuff

None of the above is who I am, its stuff that ‘happened’ to me that was, in most part beyond my control…it is not who I am. Who I am is what I chose to do with my life despite all the things that have happened to me, you too have a choice, choose well and grasp your dreams with both hands.

I am a loving and caring individual, I have a great deal of empathy for all living things, sometimes too much it over spills and I have to reign myself in.

I believe in me, I also believe in the ability of others to be whatever they choose to be, I have a strong sense of humanity but I am no walk over. I am motivated, assertive, yet kind. I am sensitive but strong. Self belief is half the battle won, only you have the power to decide the true course of your life.

My negative experiences taught me how I didn’t want my life to pan out, what I didn’t want in a relationship, how I didn’t want to raise my kids and therefore despite the negative nature of my experiences, these things have become positives.

I cannot tell you how often I have been dealt the words “oh, but its ok for you….” Then they go on to tell me what sort of a life they have had and how lucky I am to have such a blessed life, I listen but never share my own experiences. They need to believe their justification and I have no right to interfere with that.

In some way, that very assumption may be my reason for writing this blog…I’m not entirely sure if it’s the only reason but I think it has a part to play.

Acceptance…

…of yourself is crucial to your overall well-being and your success in the life you choose, I truly believe that.

However

It depends on how you accept your past, accept it happened, notice how it makes you feel, allow yourself to grieve (I did) and then look at what you can do to change things for the positive.
In my opinion; based on my observations over the years, I believe there are two ways of moving on and this is where the split occurs, both could be seen to have positive results but one is a much better long term option that the other:

Option 1:
To use past negative experiences as an excuse for their own negative behaviours, ‘this is how I was raised, so it’s all I know’, it can also be used for personal gain, sympathy, a feeling that life ‘owes’ it to them. To use the past experiences to justify failures in the way they conduct their life.

If I had taken this option, I believe I would have been a very different human being in a very different place…this was never going to be an option for me.

Option 2:
To use past negative experiences to learn what you don’t want for your life going forwards.
For me, the one thing that I had made a firm decision on was how I was going to raise my children…I knew exactly how NOT to do it. I also, until now, have not given too much attention to what happened in the past, I want to keep it where it belongs…in the past. I acknowledge that from time to time, I will be in environments or have experiences that may bring it back to me and that’s fine, I have learnt how to cope with that. I also acknowledge that is has influenced my path, here’s no getting away from that, luckily for me it has been a positive influence thanks to my levels of resilience.

I believe this is a harder option because it requires a complete change of behaviours that are learned whilst growing up, it also may mean that you are doing things differently to the rest of your family and they may see that as a judgement or see you as a ‘misfit’ so a great deal of strength and focus is required to stay on this path when everyone and everything you have known is pulling you in the other direction.

This is not a judgement on my part…

I hope that this blog changes how we see individuals and that we appreciate that what you see really is the tip of the iceberg. I also hope it makes you realise that there are always choices and if we look hard enough, there’s a strength within you that you have not yet tapped into; your superpowers.

As someone who has studied child psychology, general psychology and as an NLP practitioner I completely understand that resilience has a great deal to do with which of the two options you take.

Below is an excerpt from Psychology today which I think really hits the nail on the head:

All About Resilience
Resilience is that ineffable quality that allows some people to be knocked down by life and come back stronger than ever. Rather than letting failure overcome them and drain their resolve, they find a way to rise from the ashes. Psychologists have identified some of the factors that make someone resilient, among them a positive attitude, optimism, the ability to regulate emotions, and the ability to see failure as a form of helpful feedback. Even after misfortune, resilient people are blessed with such an outlook that they are able to change course and soldier on.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/resilience

Those who aren’t as described above are described as perhaps having some level of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, general anxiety disorder, depressions, substance abuse and dependence. All of these will display themselves through different behaviours and reactions to certain circumstances. What this tells me is that Option 1 may be inevitable for some through no fault of their own.

A recent study carried out by National Institute of Health suggests that there are two critical factors that affect resilience and those factors can be controlled by the individual. Those two factors are Mastery and Social Support.

Mastery is the individual’s belief in how much control and influence they have over their own life situations.

Social Support refers to the strength of the individual’s social ties; the support and understanding they get from their ‘inner circle’ would be how I would describe it.
It is claimed that Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and Mindfulness can help to improve some of the conditions mentioned above (PTSD etc.)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/good-thinking/201503/why-some-people-are-more-resilient-others

I am grateful for my natural resilience but even more grateful to know that it can be developed if it isn’t in great or natural supply to the individual.

Remember whatever the issue, however awful  and endless it seems, it ill come to an end; how quickly and effectively that happens depends on your levels of resilience, which you now know you can increase. Keep going, keep doing the things that you know will bring you closer to your lifestyle of choice, I know you can do it.

Sometimes it helps to ave a voice of reason walking along side you on your course towards your lifestyle of choice, I would like to be that person, book here for your free consultation.

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